Musings of a Brave China Doll

Living in California definitely has its advantages. For one, the weather is mostly gorgeous every day. Always sunny.  Never humid. According to the locals, this has been a very mild summer for which I am grateful for being so very pregnant.

And, it’s a very exciting life in that we never know what a day may bring.

In the last few weeks, we’ve gotten to do so many fun things. We were able to attend a red carpet event for the new “Cars – Online” game. It was invite only at the famous Bob’s Big Boy here in Burbank. We had all you could eat diner food and saw replicas of all the favorite cars from the movie “Cars” along with a play area for the kids. Grant was in car heaven. He even played alongside Tori Spelling’s kids. Several other celebrities were in attendance. It was just fun on a random Wednesday afternoon.

Then, I got tickets to the season finale of “So You Think You Can Dance.” If you know me, you know that I love the show and even though I was the only pregnant 30 year old amongst the teenagers in the audience, I had the time of my life. It was so fun to see a show like that live and to peek behind the scenes. And to finish that night off, we ate at the first Chick-fil-a to ever open in LA on our way home. It had just opened that day. Pure bliss.

Last week, I also had the opportunity to be on “The Doctors” daytime TV show. I was helping to demonstrate what to do when a pregnant woman chokes. And yes, the former “Bachelor,”  and host of the show, Dr. Travis Stork, demonstrated the Heimlich on me. I thought the lady sitting next to me was going to turn green with envy after I sat down.

I went through wardrobe, hair, make-up – got picked up by a golf-cart. The whole nine. I can’t wait until it airs, although I loathe watching myself on camera. Hope I don’t look too nerdy.

And then there is the day to day life with the same chores and responsibilities I’ve always had raising a toddler and taking care of my family and home. Those things don’t change even though I am in the media capital of the world. But the fun adventures we have definitely help to spice it up!

And, cupcakes are really big out here. Did you know that? They have all these cupcake stores everywhere. My neighbor brought me one the other day. Bad idea.

And I love The Coffee Bean’s iced lattes. The Coffee Bean is based out here and so much better than Starbucks. Iced lattes are new with this pregnancy. Speaking of which. I am 35 weeks now and less than four weeks from meeting our newest baby boy!

So, here are some long overdue pictures of us and me very pregnant.

35 weeks

Daddy and Grant outside our apartment.

My two sweet boys. Was trying to get them in the same picture. It proved difficult with a toddler who doesn't want to stand still for pictures.

My miracle baby who is now a boy.

My sweet Grant. A full-fledged toddler complete with bump on head.

"Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Swiftly flow the days. Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers. Blossoming even as we gaze." From Fiddler on the Roof

“Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief.” – C.S. Lewis

My new favorite thing is an iced caramel latte or iced caramel macchiato. Nonfat. Decaf. Half a shot. Light on the ice.  In fact, I slurped down one of them yesterday during an uplifting – no kid – coffee date with a friend. While the drink was refreshing the conversation was even more so. Well, refreshing and sobering.

I lamented my homesickness to my friend – how a huge wave of it had come over me again. And not because I think living somewhere else would make me happy or fulfilled – just missing friends, home and the really the convenience of it. My friend has been here in LA for seven years and remarked how you can count on half of your friends leaving within a two year time period. People don’t last out here.

It’s hard.

It’s exhausting.

It’s expensive.

It can be brutal.

So, you invest in a friendship and they leave. A lot. Even in the short time we’ve been here, I’ve seen it happen to me several times already. I’ll think, Yes! This could be a great friendship. This has to be a God thing. And then because of understandable circumstances, they leave. And it feels really lonely again. It’s like being the new kid in class trying to make friends, forever. I think this has contributed to the homesickness along with more life change on the way with the baby coming soon.

We took a tour of the hospital I’ll be delivering at earlier this week. There was no parking of course anywhere near where we needed to be. After we finally parked in our tiny California-sized parking space, I squeezed my 8 month pregnant belly between my car door and the car immediately next to me – scraping it as I shimmied through. Once in the hospital, my jaw dropped when I saw how tiny the maternity rooms were. About 1/4 the size I had with Grant. Everything is smaller here and cramped together because land and everything else is so very expensive.

I got in the car and thought I want my old doctor, my old hospital, my old pediatrician. I don’t want this. I don’t want to try and figure out a space in my room for a bassinet. I want the baby to have his own nursery. I want to decorate a nursery for him. I don’t want to have to carry my groceries from the alley or parking garage with two babies in tow. I don’t want to raise my kids in the city with the smog and sirens.  So yeah, not some of my finer I choose to trust God moments.

It’s funny how quickly we as humans revert to MY comfort, MY happiness. ME. Definitely not God’s idea. And my kids won’t know any different anyway. Let’s face it. Those are my conjured up I think I need this thoughts. And I live in America for goodness sake. What am I complaining about?

I know He knows my heart. I know He knows I want Him to be famous in my life. I just don’t know that I know if I have really accepted His leading us here. I mean I know it’s His will for us to be here, but If I really, really trusted Him in this, would I see things differently? I don’t know.

So here I am, on this boat at sea being bounced around by a storm – wave after wave of life change hitting me, my hands desperately trying to grasp something familiar and sturdy to hang on to. And so I think backward to the familiar and comfortable – the gentler, more placid seas. But then I hear God gently whisper, “I’m here. You can hang on to me.”

Lots of stretching going on in all aspects of my life.

I think I need another caramel latte.

“Without the aid of trained emotions the intellect is powerless against the animal organism.” – C.S. Lewis

We made our way to Atlanta for our first trip back since we moved to LA. Everyone who moves away has to have a first trip back. And to be honest, I was fearful of it. I knew I had had a hard time of it — adjusting to the crazy, new life that is LA — and I just wasn’t sure how I would feel, what I should expect, and where I would fit.

I stepped off the plane and the comforts flowed. Southern accents. Warm smiles. Tall, green trees. Big, open empty spaces. A warm hug from Mom and Dad. And even the familiar feel of the Georgia humidity.

And then the tears. I was flooded with emotion as we drove to the house and one by one checked off all the familiar sights in my mind. Each full of memories. One step in the house and I crumbled. The smell of cinnamon, the smell of the room we stayed in for months before moving, seeing Grant run around from room to room when he could only crawl when we left. It all came back. Every memory. Every conversation Josh and I had about our fears and hopes about moving.

Everything.

And I suppose it’s normal to feel this way the first time back. I reassured Josh that I was not going to not get back on the plane – I was just in this weird place where I knew I was exactly where God wanted us, yet missing home so very badly.

And now we had done it. But, even looking down at my pregnant tummy – a visual reminder that yes, time had indeed passed – it still seemed as if I had just woken from a dream that lasted four months. Yet Atlanta was no longer home either.

I think the way I feel is best described in the first verse of Neil Diamond’s “I Am…I Said.”

L.A.’s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is ‘lay back’
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin’ about
Making my way back

Well I’m New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I’m lost between two shores
L.A.’s fine, but it ain’t home
New York’s home, but it ain’t mine no more

Lost between two shores. That’s how I feel.

We haven’t lived in LA long enough for it to feel like home, yet it was very clear to me that Atlanta is no longer my home either.

But then it struck me. Home is where God plants me. Home is where Josh and my children are. And why was I missing Atlanta so much any way? “Home” is actually Florida for me. I was born there and lived there 23 years, yet I never grieved it the way I was Atlanta. But then Atlanta is where my first baby was born, where we bought our first home and where we had deep relationships and a great church home. Things God is faithful to provide in LA too if I’ll just give Him a chance.  I needed to just surrender the emotions and the sadness and just see what He might have for me there too.

I can choose to be miserable and forfeit the blessings, benefits and privilege of somehow maybe being used of God in a dark city or I can surrender all of the hard stuff, knowing my God knows and then watch Him work. Watch Him provide. And get to have an adventure most can only dream of.

And then I am flooded with reminders of His past faithfulness. I won’t always feel lost between two shores. I realize it’s right now – in this very moment of uncomfortableness that He is drawing me nigh. Asking me to listen closely, stretching my faith and resolve and yet being a patient, loving Daddy who understands and is willing to shoulder the load of complex circumstances He’s asked me walk through.

It’s a BOY!

Grant will have a baby brother in September and I will officially be outnumbered! We are so excited we will have two little boys so close in age who will hopefully grow up to be best friends.

In other news, we’ve lived in California for over three months now. Although my view of it has definitely been colored having been sick with nausea for 11 weeks now, each day I grow more and more used to my surroundings.

I am still trying to get used to have to go 3 or 4 different places to get groceries. Things are so expensive here, and there is no Walmart, so I have to shop the deals. I miss Publix. Oh, I miss Publix. Someone tweeted a picture inside of one recently, and I about cried at one glance of the terrazzo floors.

We’ve settled on a great church right on Hollywood Blvd. It’s in the heart of Hollywood just down the street from the Kodak Theatre where the Academy Awards are held. It’s called Ecclesia and meets in an old movie theatre.

The sidewalk outside our church's doors. Hollywood Boulevard, baby.

I think one of the most fantastic things about living here though is the validation and realization that the film industry is indeed an industry with real people who work in it who are just like Josh and me. Before we were out here, I think the tendency was to think that it was this mysterious, elusive industry where only the elite work. But it’s not. We’ve been to these people’s homes. They have kids. They have worries. And they have blockbuster films coming out to a theater near you. They work hard and come home to their families at night – just like everyone all over America.

It’s been so cool to connect with other Hollywood wives who aren’t in the industry but have husbands who are — who get this incredibly hard transition and understand what the loneliness and isolation of LA feels like. Who know what it means to sacrifice and risk everything in a place where everyone else is doing the same thing – fighting for a shot and someone to believe in their work. That has truly been life-breathing for me.  In that sense, I feel a sense of belonging and I feel understood.

I have a riddle for you:

2
-
2

Yes, sirree, I am pregnant with our second baby! I’ll have 2 under 2 for 6 weeks until Grant turns 2!

To say that it was a surprise would be a gross understatement. But a joyful surprise nonetheless!

So, I wasn’t exactly “planning” on having another baby the second I got here. I was thinking Grant would be about three — potty trained — and we would be settled here first. We moved here January 15. I found out I was pregnant January 23.

I think it’s totally funny that I still thought I had any control over my life’s plan. If you know our story (which is why I started this blog), you know that it took 2.5 years of trying and failing before God gave us Grant. Infertility is one of the defining experiences of my life. I firmly believe God had his hand on my womb in order to get glory for Himself and reveal Himself to me in a way I had never known Him before. When my dark night of the soul was over for that season, the dawn broke and I saw the gracious hand of God in the face of my firstborn son.

Now, it’s the opposite experience. Trusting God’s sovereignty in the midst of an extremely hard transition of life after moving here to California. Can I handle all of this? I quickly came to the conclusion that no, I absolutely cannot and that’s exactly where God wants me. Completely dependent on Him. For the community and support we’ll need with no family here. For a church home. For the finances. For the strength and wisdom to raise two babies.

It is such a sheer miracle that I was able to conceive again with no effort. We praise and thank God for this sweet little baby who will be joining our family in late September!

Josh has been a trooper and helping me so much. I’ve been sick 24/7 for the past 5 weeks and it’s not letting up!

Grant loves to climb up under our sofa table. This time we found his having his "quiet time" "reading" a kids devotional. I melted.

Does life get any better, Mama?

Taking in the plant life in our courtyard.

A beautiful orange tree we saw as we walked.

Each day we try to do something and get out. The weather is absolutely beautiful here. Last week, we had weather in the mid-70’s and this week it’s been in the 60’s. No humidity, blue skies and sunshine. These are a few of my favorite things!

Tuesday we went to Disneyland.  We also ventured out to a park and to the LA Zoo with a new friend. Saturday, we drove an hour and found snow, and then drove back to our 60 degree weather in the Valley. Where else on Earth?

Sunday night we attended a Bible study for people in the film industry and we drove out to the breathtaking Simi Valley and visited a couple churches. It was so nice to get out of the city and breathe a little.

Days are still long and tough sometimes, but I find my attitude and where my focus is set for the day really determines the outcome of a day. God continues to be gracious with providing new friends, bright days and the occasional orange tree to remind me that He is here and that He is present.

We don’t have a yard, of course, because we live in an apartment, so I often let Grant play and walk around in the courtyard outside our door. We have a sweet apartment manager who lives on site that lets us borrow her grandkids’ push toy.

Grant is in hog heaven of course, oblivious to his surroundings — just content to be with Mama and to enjoy the day – completely trusting that we will take care of him and his needs.

God teaches me more lessons that I can count from that sweet boy.

Our apartment complex.

Well, we’re here. We now reside in Burbank, CA 91501.

The last two weeks have been quite emotion-packed, faith-stretching and laden with change. More than I ever could have anticipated.

I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in the last two plus weeks and that my life in Georgia was just a dream. Yet that life — a very different one than the one I am now living — was mine just a little while ago.

I sat in the first of two churches we visited this morning smelling the familiar scent of Chai Tea and the college girl’s perfume next to me reflecting a little. Here we are in this crazy film town. As we walked upstairs outside to drop Grant off in the nursery, the familiar “Hollywood” sign was straight ahead in the background. We live here? We live here. We do.

Everything is different here. The weather, the grocery stores, my washer and dryer, the people, the unfriendly people, the landscape, the churches. Even what Hellman’s Mayonnaise is called. It’s not called Hellman’s! It’s freeways here, not interstates. And you can’t call the freeway 5, 5 — it’s THE 5. THE 134, THE 110. We live an urban life here.  I can walk to the Mall, the post office, the farmer’s market and the library.

I’ve got to be honest. I am having a hard time adjusting. I am grieving my old life and my old WAY of life. I had my little life figured out in Atlanta. I knew where to shop, where to go to church, where the good parts of town were. We had a community there.

And I trust that it will be like that for us here one day, but it’s really hard right now. I knew this move would be tough, but I never anticipated the spiritual stretching this would be. It’s the painful kind that hurts. Like the kind I experienced when going through infertility.

Here’s my hope though. I love that we serve a God who can take all my pain and sadness and disbelief, yet still pick up the pieces of me and my doubt and use me here somehow. As sad as I’ve been, I know in my heart we are to be here in this place for this time. We are children of light shining in a very dark place. I recognize God does not need us here to help Him. But He’s inviting us to be a part of His story here. And above the sadness and loneliness, I want Him and I want that more.

Sometimes God asks us and sometimes He invites to us to step out of our comfort zones and all the familiar and join Him in work that is hard. But a lot of times it’s the kind of work — be it little or small — that makes a dent in this universe for His namesake.

I’d rather be in the center of God’s will and be stretched than to live a life of mediocrity. There are enough people willing to do that. In my finer moments, I thank God that He trusts me with this work and in my weaker ones when I can’t speak, He carries me and comforts me.

What an amazing Savior.

Do you feel like you are being stretched out of your comfort zone right now?

Josh and the 26 ft Penske truck we rented along with a caravan of cars and family pulled out today.

The destination? Burbank, California.

I watched them pull out before dawn with tears in my eyes – the image and moment forever etched in my mind.

Everything is about to change. Everything. We’re ready to chase our dreams, ready to try and possibly fail or maybe possibly not fail at all.

Whatever the outcome, we hope to be people who dare greatly, trust God deeply, and care more about the cause of Jesus than our own affairs and dreams. Somehow I think though, when you are doing what God created you to do — when you are in your sweet spot — it all perfectly works together.

California, here we come.

Yours truly is officially 30. I was celebrated so sweetly by all of my friends and family. Josh set up a “birthday hotline” as a surprise to me and asked people to call in and give me birthday wishes. I was so overwhelmed — nearly to tears. Thank you so much for making me feel so loved. And thank you, Josh, for all the ways you demonstrated your love to me. I love you.
Of course, Josh didn’t let my birthday go by without my annual cookie cake. As a special 30th surprise, he got the biggest one they sell. I won’t tell you how much of that thing I’ve eaten. Let’s just say it’s a good thing I’m a runner.

My baby is 1. We survived the first year. All of us.

Nursing. Need I say more? Sleeping through the night. Not sleeping through the night. Reflux. Endless amounts of spit-up and laundry because of the reflux. Introducing solid food. Figuring out to give gripe water for gas and teething pain. Learning that teething tablets and gel are a girl’s best friend. Long nights rocking and praying. Snuggling. And lots and lots and lots of hugs and kisses.

Thank you, Lord for my sweet baby boy.

Happy Birthday, GW. What a joy you are to me.