Lost Between Two Shores

“Without the aid of trained emotions the intellect is powerless against the animal organism.” – C.S. Lewis

We made our way to Atlanta for our first trip back since we moved to LA. Everyone who moves away has to have a first trip back. And to be honest, I was fearful of it. I knew I had had a hard time of it — adjusting to the crazy, new life that is LA — and I just wasn’t sure how I would feel, what I should expect, and where I would fit.

I stepped off the plane and the comforts flowed. Southern accents. Warm smiles. Tall, green trees. Big, open empty spaces. A warm hug from Mom and Dad. And even the familiar feel of the Georgia humidity.

And then the tears. I was flooded with emotion as we drove to the house and one by one checked off all the familiar sights in my mind. Each full of memories. One step in the house and I crumbled. The smell of cinnamon, the smell of the room we stayed in for months before moving, seeing Grant run around from room to room when he could only crawl when we left. It all came back. Every memory. Every conversation Josh and I had about our fears and hopes about moving.

Everything.

And I suppose it’s normal to feel this way the first time back. I reassured Josh that I was not going to not get back on the plane – I was just in this weird place where I knew I was exactly where God wanted us, yet missing home so very badly.

And now we had done it. But, even looking down at my pregnant tummy – a visual reminder that yes, time had indeed passed – it still seemed as if I had just woken from a dream that lasted four months. Yet Atlanta was no longer home either.

I think the way I feel is best described in the first verse of Neil Diamond’s “I Am…I Said.”

L.A.’s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is ‘lay back’
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin’ about
Making my way back

Well I’m New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I’m lost between two shores
L.A.’s fine, but it ain’t home
New York’s home, but it ain’t mine no more

Lost between two shores. That’s how I feel.

We haven’t lived in LA long enough for it to feel like home, yet it was very clear to me that Atlanta is no longer my home either.

But then it struck me. Home is where God plants me. Home is where Josh and my children are. And why was I missing Atlanta so much any way? “Home” is actually Florida for me. I was born there and lived there 23 years, yet I never grieved it the way I was Atlanta. But then Atlanta is where my first baby was born, where we bought our first home and where we had deep relationships and a great church home. Things God is faithful to provide in LA too if I’ll just give Him a chance.  I needed to just surrender the emotions and the sadness and just see what He might have for me there too.

I can choose to be miserable and forfeit the blessings, benefits and privilege of somehow maybe being used of God in a dark city or I can surrender all of the hard stuff, knowing my God knows and then watch Him work. Watch Him provide. And get to have an adventure most can only dream of.

And then I am flooded with reminders of His past faithfulness. I won’t always feel lost between two shores. I realize it’s right now – in this very moment of uncomfortableness that He is drawing me nigh. Asking me to listen closely, stretching my faith and resolve and yet being a patient, loving Daddy who understands and is willing to shoulder the load of complex circumstances He’s asked me walk through.