“Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief.” – C.S. Lewis
My new favorite thing is an iced caramel latte or iced caramel macchiato. Nonfat. Decaf. Half a shot. Light on the ice. In fact, I slurped down one of them yesterday during an uplifting – no kid – coffee date with a friend. While the drink was refreshing the conversation was even more so. Well, refreshing and sobering.
I lamented my homesickness to my friend – how a huge wave of it had come over me again. And not because I think living somewhere else would make me happy or fulfilled – just missing friends, home and the really the convenience of it. My friend has been here in LA for seven years and remarked how you can count on half of your friends leaving within a two year time period. People don’t last out here.
It’s hard.
It’s exhausting.
It’s expensive.
It can be brutal.
So, you invest in a friendship and they leave. A lot. Even in the short time we’ve been here, I’ve seen it happen to me several times already. I’ll think, Yes! This could be a great friendship. This has to be a God thing. And then because of understandable circumstances, they leave. And it feels really lonely again. It’s like being the new kid in class trying to make friends, forever. I think this has contributed to the homesickness along with more life change on the way with the baby coming soon.
We took a tour of the hospital I’ll be delivering at earlier this week. There was no parking of course anywhere near where we needed to be. After we finally parked in our tiny California-sized parking space, I squeezed my 8 month pregnant belly between my car door and the car immediately next to me – scraping it as I shimmied through. Once in the hospital, my jaw dropped when I saw how tiny the maternity rooms were. About 1/4 the size I had with Grant. Everything is smaller here and cramped together because land and everything else is so very expensive.
I got in the car and thought I want my old doctor, my old hospital, my old pediatrician. I don’t want this. I don’t want to try and figure out a space in my room for a bassinet. I want the baby to have his own nursery. I want to decorate a nursery for him. I don’t want to have to carry my groceries from the alley or parking garage with two babies in tow. I don’t want to raise my kids in the city with the smog and sirens. So yeah, not some of my finer I choose to trust God moments.
It’s funny how quickly we as humans revert to MY comfort, MY happiness. ME. Definitely not God’s idea. And my kids won’t know any different anyway. Let’s face it. Those are my conjured up I think I need this thoughts. And I live in America for goodness sake. What am I complaining about?
I know He knows my heart. I know He knows I want Him to be famous in my life. I just don’t know that I know if I have really accepted His leading us here. I mean I know it’s His will for us to be here, but If I really, really trusted Him in this, would I see things differently? I don’t know.
So here I am, on this boat at sea being bounced around by a storm – wave after wave of life change hitting me, my hands desperately trying to grasp something familiar and sturdy to hang on to. And so I think backward to the familiar and comfortable – the gentler, more placid seas. But then I hear God gently whisper, “I’m here. You can hang on to me.”
Lots of stretching going on in all aspects of my life.
I think I need another caramel latte. 
Becca,
Facing your storms and all the changes, and you still see God’s hand in it and on your life. I am honored to know you and call you my friend, even though we are MANY miles apart. Hang in there and on to Him…He won’t let go, I promise! Looking forward to seeing pics very soon of little baby Daws…any names yet?!? Love you!
Everytime I read your posts I am blessed and encouraged! You should write a devotional book.
So bittersweet… and so beautiful… God will make even this season beautiful in time. I feel you, sister.
Absolutely beautiful! It’s refreshing to see someone with a desire like yours to be close to God. I’m sorry you are feeling so homesick. My favorite book to read when I’m missing something, or looking for a pick-me-up is free onine: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/1_ne/1
Hi Becca, Just saw your blog for the first time today. I went through a lot of those issues when we moved back here, actually. But you’ll be surprised at how God’s grace gets you through and you may be surprised that you even look back on this time with fondness. Look forward to chatting more on Tuesday.
Congratulations on the pregnancy… and I hear your pain. I moved to where I live 2.5 yrs ago to be near family and now getting ready to move away AGAIN… and just the thought of packing, unpacking, uprooting my life and starting over again makes me quiver… but then the peace of God takes over and leads me to still waters, where it is quite, safe and peaceful.
Abide in His peace
Beautiful post – it made me both sad and happy all at the same time. I can relate to what you said about being sad about new friends moving away. I feel like so many of our friends have moved away in the last 2-3 years lately with the Michigan economy being so bad. You almost go through the grieving process when you have someone close to you move out of state. It’s hard to trust that God has an overall plan in all of this. I know He does, but it’s hard at times to remember that when there is a lot of upheaval and change – that He is the constant. He is the steady thing that never changes. Great post – and I hope that your latte was a good one
Hugs and more hugs!
Hi Becca,
I am new to blogging and was searching through blogs trying to get some good design ideas, and God led me to yours. I too just started my “infertility” blog. It sucks, right?
We are attempting our first IUI this month (next week actually) and it was so helpful to read through your experiences. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but it is so difficult. I find comfort in knowing that what God has planned for me is going to be so much better than what I could ever desire. I just have to be patient, although to be honest, sometimes I hate that “p” word. 
Anyways, welcome to Los Angeles. I have been here two years and am waiting to fall in love with it. We are blessed with a great community, a wonderful church and fulfilling jobs however I just can’t make myself smile when I tell people, “I live in LA”. Maybe someday.
Thanks again for your wonderful writings and I wish you happiness and blessing for baby #2!
Sweet Becca – I know how hard “stretching” can be. Painful, even. But I will pray that God will grant you eyes to see beauty all around you – especially on days when your heart longs for home. I will also pray that you will find a special, permanent friend whom you can confide in, laugh with, and make good memories with!!!
Can’t wait to see pictures of that sweet baby boy. Speaking of pictures…I want to see some of you and Grant!!! (And Josh, too…of course.
)